His disciples said to him, "If that is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry." He answered, "Not all can accept this word, but only those to whom that is granted.
Hearing his teaching about marriage, Jesus’ disciples immediately arrived at the same place where many of our contemporaries have arrived: If marriage is indissoluble and divorce/remarriage is tantamount to adultery, then why bother? Especially when there are so many other ways to “get one’s needs met.” Interestingly, Jesus would not back down; he went on to say, “only those to whom that is granted”should even attempt marriage.
This teaching should remind us that God’s graces come by God’s initiative. They are not birthrights or entitlements. Not even marriage, which appears to be as natural as the rain, belongs to everyone. Not everyone is invited to that particular banquet, and those who crash the party will go home deeply disappointed.
When society thinks that everyone must marry, unfortunate things happen. First, we insist that sexual desire is actually an acute physical need that must be satisfied. Freud and his disciples insist that repression of that need must result in horrific consequences. But there are other satisfactory ways to cope with desire, as single, celibate and widowed individuals have shown throughout the centuries. They demonstrate that sexual desire is not like the need for oxygen, food or sleep.
Secondly, we put undue pressure on people whom God has not called to marriage. Many people marry prematurely; many people, despairing of finding a suitable spouse, attempt to salvage an unsuitable candidate for marriage. Their unions are not satisfactory.
Third, to make marriage conform to our expectation, we bend the laws of nature and common sense and decree that gay persons should marry one another. Some have proposed a legal argument based on anti-discrimination laws. They suppose that gay marriage is like marriage between the races; although the whole theory of races was discarded a long time ago.
Finally, desperate to satisfy their sexual need, many people settle for other unsavory arrangements. The great psychologist Abraham Maslow warned us a half-century ago that any relationship based on need, even mutual need, must end in spiritual bankruptcy. Marriage must be a generous act of trust, admiration and love. A candidate for marriage looks for someone worthy of this devotion, not someone to "make me happy."
All of these misguided efforts ignore Jesus’ invitation: Come to me. It’s certainly true that the sexual impulse is maddening for most young people. I remember it very well. And, sinners that we are, we often fail to provide adequate guidance or sound teaching to our youth as they pass through those years.
But faith insists that even our sexual desires are subject to the authority of Jesus. Those who come to him find the gentle discipline and reassuring wisdom to direct their energy and desires into appropriate relationships. Many will be led to marry the right person; they will find that person whom heaven has selected for them. Continuing in grace they will make their marriage work as they overcome every obstacle -- and there will be many. As Saint John insisted, darkness cannot overcome the light of grace. Those not called to marriage will also find deep, intensely satisfying ways to serve God.
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I love to write. This blog helps me to meditate on the Word of God, and I hope to make some contribution to our contemplations of God's Mighty Works.
Ordinarily, I write these reflections two or three weeks in advance of their publication. I do not intend to comment on current events.
I understand many people prefer gender-neutral references to "God." I don't disagree with them but find that language impersonal, unappealing and tasteless. When I refer to "God" I think of the One whom Jesus called "Abba" and "Father", and I would not attempt to improve on Jesus' language.
You're welcome to add a thought or raise a question.